Maximum Security  

       Horse Goes to Court       
        
   Did you hear about this? Maximum Security, 
the colt disqualified from the Kentucky Derby,
has appealed. Here is a transcript we received today, from a hearing that was closed to the news media.

Judge: This is highly unusual. May I call you Max?
   Max: Yes, your honor.

Judge: Is someone representing you?
   Max: Someone can represent my jockey. I'm here for myself.

Judge: Well then, Max, what is your complaint?
   Max: Your honor, the mane point of my tail is that I won the Derby, hoofs down.

Judge: (cough) I watched the race. You finished ahead of the others.
   Max: By way more than a nose.

Judge: The racing commission ruled that in the final turn, you strayed out of your lane, interfering with horses that may have passed you up.
   Max: Dogs stray. We... Your honor, have you ever run a mile and a quarter in the mud? 

Judge: I don't have four legs. You do.
   Max: Besides, I got distracted by the silly hats those women wore. 

Judge: You're supposed to run where your jockey guides.
   Max: This was only my fifth race. And besides, I never heard a crowd so loud I couldn't think straight. I had to walk back to the barn a loser, while a 65-1 horse got a garland of roses over his neck, or whatever they do. That's horse manure! 

Judge: Mudslinging is not appropriate here, Max. You must shoulder the blame.
   Max: I just want fairness. Disqualify my jockey, but add my name to the list of Kentucky Derby winners.

Judge: I'm sorry Max. But the commission ruled correctly. Everyone knows you are fast and you trained hard. My advice is, eat your oats, work hard, and someday your dreams will come true. 

     Jimmy